Lost I
by portalkeeper
Summary: What happens when an inexperienced fanfic author is transported into Buffyverse? [Nominated at World's End]
1. Writer's Block

Lost

Portalkeeper87

A/N: This is the answer to an anonymous challenge I received lately. I'd like to say that before last week, I did not know who the heck "Buffy" was or why she'd want a job that included "slaying." I've seen about seven episodes of the show, which were disconnected and from various seasons, checked out www.tvguide.com's various little bits on _Buffy _(including the summaries of the first 100 episodes), and read numerous fanfic pieces and found various little tidbits on the show. Some details might be slightly inaccurate, due to the numerous discrepancies in the works of different authors. 

Lastly, as the person who sent this challenge probably knows (I bet I can guess who did it, one of the people at the evil lunch table), I like vampires, just not the kind that goes "poof" with a simple little stake.

Okay, warnings aforementioned, proceeding with the story…

Disclaimers: I don't know why people bother with these. This is fanfiction! If any fanfic writers were fortunate enough to own any of the characters, they wouldn't be writing fanfics!! *calming down from insane frenzied mania* Just for the record, I don't own anyone except Alexis.

Rules of the Challenge:

A self-insertion fic. At least the following characters have to be included: Buffy, Willow, Xander, Angel, Spike, and Giles. Self-insertion character must develop a crush on one of the aforementioned characters. You can't kill off all the characters. There MUST be something resembling a plot. 

Chapter 1—Writer's Block

Hey, I'm Alexis. And I'm sitting at the computer, bored out of my mind. Bored, and extremely frustrated. I had just received a most random e-mail this morning, about some challenge or other one of my wacky (in a good way) friends sent.

I have to write a Buffy fic! And I know basically nothing about the subject. I've caught a few episodes, sure, but they didn't clear much up. I know there's another slayer named Kendra, Buffy is in love with Riley and Angel, and this really creepy-looking person plays with dead birds and dolls. Didn't quite catch her name.

I sit here like an idiot, wondering why Xander doesn't like a dog named Spike and why weeds grow indoors while Buffy and someone else are in the midst of heated passion.

Wondering and wondering, I fall asleep.

***

"She's waking up."

"Well, who the hell is she and why is she here? What went wrong this time?"

That's all I heard, the voices. And then I felt my body resting on a cold surface, like a lump of dead weight. And then I stared directly into a redhead with very large anxious eyes.

"Hi," I said brightly. The girl smiled and helped me up. I looked around at the place as the feeling that something wasn't quite right settled in my stomach. I was apparently in some kind of bookstore. No wait, not bookstore, library. Some antique library with a lot of books. It looked oddly familiar…

"My name's Willow," the redhead stammered, then gestured toward the dark-haired boy standing behind her. "And this is Xander."

Those names were slightly familiar, but I couldn't quite place their faces. These people looked older than me, more like seniors than people in my grade.

"Um, I'm Alexis," I said shyly. "Could you tell me what I'm doing here in…well, wherever here is?"

Xander shot an accusatory look at Willow. She looked a little embarrassed and stared at the floor.

"Well, Alexis," he said, "welcome to Sunnydale."

***

Sunnydale? That sounded familiar, too. But I still couldn't quite place it.

"That's very nice, Xander, but what am I doing here?"

Willow slowly raised her hand, like she was in class. "I can explain…I think."

I looked at her as she took a deep breath. "Well, I was sort of ex—"

The door swung open. "Giles, can you tell me more about the prophecy? What's supposed to happen with the inter-dimensional portal? What evil demon do I have to push through it?"

A somewhat smaller blond girl had walked in with a guy that looked like the librarian of this crazy place. He looked to be in his forties and wearing a vest and glasses.

The girl stopped short upon seeing me. "Who's this?" she asked instantly.

I couldn't say a word. I recognized her! She was Sarah Michelle Gellar!

"I-I can explain," Willow said hesitantly. "I th-think it was my spell."

The actress rolled her eyes. "Another screwup."

"You're Sarah Michelle Gellar," I blurted out. "Can I have your autograph?" Although I didn't watch many of her shows, I still knew that Sarah Michelle Gellar was a pretty big celebrity. On the cover of almost every magazine I had ever read.

"Excuse me?" she replied, looking me up and down skeptically. "I'm Buffy."

Of course! She played Buffy in _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_! How ironic. I can't think of material for my fanfic, now I'm on the set of _Buffy_.

"Yes, but that's your character," I said. "You know, the part you play on the show?" Blank stares from all around. I searched for cameras, stage crew, anything.

Nothing.

"Listen," she said, getting up in my face, "I don't know who you are or what you're doing here, but let's get one thing straight. My name is Buffy, Not Sarah."

"What about Freddie? You're what, engaged? Married? I didn't keep up with all the news, but will you at least admit to that?"

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "I'm Buffy, you're nuts. I have no clue who this Fred or Sarah is."

And then it clicked. "This is a dream," I said out loud. "It's just a very, very strange dream. Someone pinch me, please."

I shut my eyes tightly, waiting to awake. "Oww!" My eyes opened and I looked at Willow. "What did you do that for?"

"You said to pinch you?"

I sighed and rubbed my arm. "So much for the dream theory."

The girl who said she was Buffy began to talk. "I'm sorry if you think you're dreaming. But apparently you're not. So can you clue us in on who you might be?"

"Um," I began, not sure how to start. My mind was reeling. Apparently Buffy was real. As well as Sunnydale, where the Hellmouth attracted very real demons for her to slay. "Well, my name is Alexis."

"And?" the man Buffy had called Giles asked with a British accent.

"And I'm currently 15. I live in New Jersey and I just started watching the show. For material so I can accept this challenge and write a fanfic."

"All the way from the East Coast," Willow mused quietly.

"What show?" Xander asked curiously.

"_Buffy the Vampire Slayer_. It's very interesting, and mostly pretty funny, too. Although I wouldn't have started without one of my friend's challenges. Usually not that interested in shows were people slay vampires."

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer?" Buffy asked in shock. She stared at Giles. "She knows I'm the Slayer."

She turned to look at me again. "You know I'm the Slayer. How?"

I took a deep breath. "Well, where I come from, you, all of you, are just characters on a show I just started watching. It's about the life and adventures of Buffy as she slays so-called 'evil' vampires and demons with the help of her friends, mysteriously known as the 'scoobies'. Which is really ironic as the actress that played Buffy also played Daphne in the Scooby Doo movie."

A momentary silence filled the room after my babbling ceased.

Willow took a deep breath. "I think I know what happened."

We all turned to look at her.

"I-I was trying to make life a little easier for Buffy, with all the stress lately. So I tried a s-spell. And brought Alexis from another dimension."

It took a little while to process that information.

Giles broke the silence with a glance at his watch. "Oh my, you children had better be getting back home. It's late, and I don't want your parents to worry."

Xander left first, Willow following quickly. Something about parents, curfews, and being grounded.

I looked questioningly at Giles.

"Oh, stay the night with Buffy. I have a lot of work to do."

I looked back at the Slayer. "Giles!"

He looked back at her. "Look at it like it's another duty as Slayer."

She groaned and walked toward the exit, stopping at the door. "Well come on," she said to me.

I uncomfortably followed her home in the dark.

TBC

A/N: Feedback, please! Tell me what parts I got right or wrong! And any suggestions for requirement # 3? Please, some ideas!!


	2. Sunnydale

Lost

Portalkeeper87

A/N: A few more episodes of Buffy and a few fanfics later…[set in early season 2]

Chapter 2—Sunnydale

"So how long have you been friends with Buffy?" Ms. Summers asked, handing me a cup of hot chocolate. Buffy had gone upstairs to shower, introducing me as a classmate who was going to spend the night.

"I'm new." This was extremely unsettling. I thought Joyce Summers was dead. That's what about all the fanfics I read had said.

"Well—"

"Hey Mom, Alexis. I'm finished." Buffy was in a pair of pajamas covered with red cherries. "C'mon up."

I smiled at her mom and put down the drink. "Thanks again, Ms. Summers."

***

"Okay, bathroom's over there, guest room's down there."

"Guest room?" I asked, puzzled. "I thought you had three bedrooms. One for your mom, one for you, and one for Dawn."

"Dawn?" She frowned. "Who's Dawn?" Seeing the expression on my face, Buffy pulled me into her room.

"Okay, who are all the characters in this show you watch?"

"I don't know if I'll remember every person as I just started watching, but of the semi-permanent cast there's you, Dawn, Willow, Tara, Xander, Anya, Giles, Angel, and Spike."

"The last won't be so permanent after I sink a stake through his chest," she muttered under her breath. Turning to me she asked, "Who are Dawn, Tara, and Anya?"

My eyes widened. "Anya is Xander's fiancee, Tara is Willow's girlfriend, and Dawn…Dawn is your sister."

Buffy's mouth dropped open. "But Xander is still in high school. He can't get married. Besides, he's dating Cordelia. Willow is going out with Oz, and she's definitely not gay. And I do _not_ have a sister."

"Nope," I agreed, shaking my head. "You do not have a sister. Not until maybe next year…I think."

She just stared and shook her head. And we tried to pass the time as darkness fell by staring at anything but each other. This was strange. As in major creeped-out, rubber room strange.

And then, lost in our private musings, the girl who said she was the Slayer failed to notice one of the undead craw up to her window.

"Buffy," I said slowly. She looked at me. "I'm not exactly sure whether you like him at this point, are in denial, or have a habit of calling him over every night for action…but a guy with serious makeup issues is outside your window."

She turned and immediately reached for a stake. "Spike," she hissed in hatred, moving stealthily over to the poor excuse for a vampire, all sharp ridges and fangs. 

"Uh, excuse me for a second here, but you aren't going to try and stake him, are you?"

"Be quiet," Buffy snapped, moving closer to the blond vampire. "And yes, I'm turning him to dust. Be perfect for his duster."

I grabbed her hand and she threw me off like a kid flicking off an ant. "Buffy! He's harmless, and you said you wouldn't kill in cold blood no matter what. Besides, the guy just likes you a little too much for his own good. He can't help it if he's so attracted that he wants to come over…"

I trailed off, feeling a little uncomfortable as both Buffy and the vampire in question stared at me like I belonged in a straitjacket. 

"Well…am I right?"

Buffy responded by throwing her stake at the open window. Who I assumed was Spike disappeared the instant the stake left her hand.

She heaved a sigh and slammed down her window. She turned back with a little snarl. Even if I had just started my sojourn into this little Buffyverse, I knew that the expression on her face right now was something to be reckoned with.

"You just cost me a chance at killing my worst enemy. Because you thought he was coming over for a chat?!"

"Actually, more of the rough-and-tumble variety…" why couldn't I shut my big mouth? 

With another growl, Buffy shooed me out of her room, off to an uneventful sleep.


	3. The Library

Lost

Portalkeeper87

A/N: Feedback, please! Drop off some ideas in the review box or e-mail me at portalkeeper87@hotmail.com

Chapter 3—The Library

It was morning once again, and I awoke at an ungodly hour to head back to Sunnydale High…the same school Buffy and her friends apparently blew up. We arrived before the sun had fully arose.

While Buffy, Willow, Xander, and a rather air-headed snob named Cordelia went to classes, I was stuck in the library, trying to find something to read while the British watcher searched for some clue about inter-dimensional portals.

I wasn't thrilled to find that there were actually very few books not dealing with ancient prophecies and whatnot. There wasn't much fiction, no Stephen King, Anne Rice, or even R. L. Stine. Just a lot of really old books written in weird languages.

"So are you suggesting that in this…this alternate reality you come from, there is a television show about us?" Mr. Giles looked up from his book.

"Yeah. _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_. Featuring a group of rather pathetic-looking supernatural beings who somehow can't get past stakes, holy water, and crosses."

"Demonic entities naturally cannot stand the presence of holy artifacts," he explained.

"But that's what I don't get. I'm assuming that in this reality, vampires were around a lot longer than Christianity. And things such as crosses and stakes evolved from that religion, meaning _after _vampires existed. Just wondering how the 'slaying' went before the tools were invented."

"Hmm," the watcher pondered with a slight frown. I could tell he was finally stumped. "I'm sure I can think of a plausible explanation. In time."

"Okay, fine. Another thing. Why do you people feel that killing people is wrong, but killing demons is okay?" There was nothing else to do here. Might as well ask questions.

"Vampires may appear human, but they are demons. Meaning they have no souls. And it's not 'killing'. It's slaying."

I rolled my eyes. This guy in tweed needed his reality checked. Or maybe I did. "I don't know, Mr. Giles, but in the world where I come from, a 'soul' is defined as an essence, basically the 'self' part of a person. The part that is sentient, conscious. Am I right?"

The watcher nodded over his glasses. "Yes, that's correct."

"So basically any creature that can think has a soul. Any creature able to function with the slightest freedom from instinct has a soul. I mean, dolphins and whales are allowed to have souls. Why not cute little vampires?"

"That's different. Demons are demons. Supernatural, not natural. And vampires are just ruthless predators, caring only about hunting." 

"That's not true and you know it. Vampires have lifestyles. They talk and love and drive and swim and have parties and whatnot. Just like mortal humans do."

"Vampires are DEAD. They're dead creatures refusing to simply stay put. They are monstrous, sub-human beasts—" he was starting to get agitated.

"Hey! Vampires are people too!" I yelled back.

That's when the girl called Willow entered. Carrying a stack of books, she backed away slowly. "Um, am I interrupting something?"

"No, not at all. Come sit down, Willow. We were just getting into the research."

I sat there, bored out of my mind for about another two hours. During that time, Willow had left, only to come back with Xander. The group of friends had worked on trying to find some anti-spell to seal up a portal and send me back. As usual, with fruitless efforts.

"Guys, I don't think this is going to work," I interrupted. "There hasn't been much of a fight between 'good and evil' so far. Usually on the...on the show, the conflict is resolved in the last five minutes, always while Buffy's beating up her enemies and everyone else is off to the side or knocked out."

"You know," Xander said, appearing to give some serious thought to the subject, "that does seem to be true. During the showdown, Buffy is always fighting alone. And we're always just standing on the sidelines." He turned to look at me. "You could be telling the truth. You could be from a different universe!"

I bit back a 'duh'. And then, the bell rang.

Lunchtime.


	4. Peaches and Cream

Lost

Portalkeeper87

A/N: To Missa & Tissa. Hope you don't mind me 'borrowing' you for a scene of your typical wackiness! Sorry for any Angel-bashing…

And here's a list, if anyone has any ideas as to what I could possibly include. (#3!! HELP—just don't even think about 'Angel')

Rules of the Challenge:

A self-insertion fic. At least the following characters have to be included: Buffy, Willow, Xander, Angel, Spike, and Giles. Self-insertion character must develop a crush on one of the aforementioned characters. You can't kill off all the characters. There MUST be something resembling a plot. 

Chapter 4—Peaches and Cream

The lunchtime meals at Buffy's school apparently consisted of rather gooey green and brown globs, at least for today. The milk was two weeks past the expiration date and the only other beverage was some sort of blue-green slushie.

Needless to say, I decided to skip lunch that day.

Afterwards was full-blown research period. I sat on a table, trying desperately to find something of interest.

All of a sudden, my mom walked in, looking all pissed off. "You didn't do your math homework again, did you Alexis?"

Oops. I could envision the worksheets, still stuffed haphazardly in my backpack. Between crumpled Christmas gift-wrap and wrinkled gym clothes.

And then I was in orchestra, first period, engaged in a battle with a friend from the viola section. Missa was extremely handy with her bow. Then another friend, Tissa, jumped in and Missa's bow rammed through her body.

Then Missa's sweet face melted into that of an enraged Buffy. She pulled the bow out.

Tissa exploded into dust.

The door banged open. I jerked awake abruptly.

"So, find anything?" Buffy asked. The halls were quiet. Had I actually slept _through_ the entire afternoon?

"No, still nothing on accidental openings of inter-dimensional portals," Willow said absently, flipping through another dusty tome.

"Okay. Oh, by the way, Spike stopped by yesterday," Buffy said conversationally.

"Is everything all right?" Giles asked, polishing the lens of his glasses. "Was anyone hurt?"

"Oh no, nothing happened, just the ol' hanging outside the window business." She turned to glare at me. Not exactly fair given that I had just been roused from slumber. "But I had a chance to stake him."

"Did you?" Xander asked, not really paying much attention. As if killing people was ordinary and not worthy of his time.

"I could have." Buffy glowered at me. Again. "But little miss 'hug-the-demons, save-the-vamps' didn't like that, now did she?"

At that moment, a tall, dark figure glided in. It was strange how so many 'dark and ominous' beings there were in Sunnydale that wore black.

This guy was a teensy bit cute, of course, being an actor and all, with dark hair that kinda fell into his eyes. But he gave off pitiful, pathetic vibes which automatically wrote him off as having serious issues in my book.

I never did like David Boreanaz much, at least as to the character he played on _Buffy_.

"Buffy," he said softly, in a voice that sounded nauseatingly non-threatening. I mean, he was _supposed_ to be a vampire, for crying out loud! Something more than a wretched, dismal skunk without a tail.

"Angel, did something happen?" Apparently Buffy went for the dark, depressed type. The ones with a little too much estrogen and not enough endorphins.

"No, I just had to come see if you were all right. If something had happened…I couldn't go on without you."

Buffy was now locked in an embrace with her pathetic boyfriend.

This was overly sappy, nauseous at best. I really hoped I wasn't going to puke all over Mr. Giles' precious books.

Then again, maybe I should.

Xander agreed with me on this one. "Guys, get a room, will ya?"

"Sh," Willow shushed. "I think it's sweet."

"Oh puh-leaze," I almost snorted. "The guy comes in here for no absolute reason, saying that he's afraid that you're in mortal danger, and you buy it. Not only that, but you let his pitiful excuses to get you into bed to actually—"

I stopped then because of the murderous glint in Buffy's eyes. And the fact that she had me pinned to the wall might have had something to do with it.

"Now, Buffy," Giles said, sounding a little exasperated.

She let me go reluctantly, a warning glare still caught in that deadly gaze.

"Who's your new friend?" Angel asked.

At the word 'friend' Buffy's eyes narrowed considerably.

"Oh, Angel, meet Alexis. Alexis, meet Angel." Willow, always the friendly one.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen you before. Too many times for comfort. Especially in "Amends". Damn the weather channel. I mean, it never snowed before in Sunnydale. Why then?"

The blank stares urged me to further explain. "You know, the Irish guy with the curly brown hair that Angel killed on Christmas? And Jenny? And that other woman at some sort of dinner party, the one whose son became dessert?"

"What about Jenny?" Giles asked sharply, a slight blush rising in his cheeks. He didn't look like someone who was still grieving over an old girlfriend's death. More like he just developed a crush on her and was mortified that someone had almost discovered it.

Then I remembered. This was pre-Angelus. Jenny wasn't dead.

"What did you say?" This came from the dark-haired poof himself. And what was a 'poof' in the first place?

"Never mind. Sorry, didn't happen yet."

"How did you know about Christmas? And the poor serving girl?"

Buffy took a few moments to explain my whereabouts. After which Angel just stared silently at me. Rather uncomfortable.

"So, Angel, what's a poof?" I asked, completely innocently. I mean, I was curious. My questions were all for the sake of curiosity.

He narrowed his eyes. "Spike."

"Really? Wow, I didn't know that. But that still doesn't make much sense." Then I realized that I was an idiot. He meant that the word 'poof' connected with the thought 'Spike' in his mind. Maybe because his grandchilde often called him that.

When Angel finished mumbling, my big mouth kept on opening. "While we're at it, why does he call you 'Peaches'? I mean, he's not gay or anything, right? And neither are you. I think."  


Buffy turned questioningly toward her boyfriend. "Peaches?" she asked skeptically.

Now Angel was glowering at me. I could swear he was muttering something like, "if only I didn't have a soul…"

"Not that there's anything wrong with that. Being gay I mean," I looked apologetically at Willow. She just looked confused.

I didn't even notice that no one else was talking. "Right. Oh, wait, I have another question for you—"

With a true growl of frustration and annoyance, Angel and his dark coat swirled out and away.

Boy, was I gifted. In this or any other reality, I could still count on annoying the hell outta everyone.


	5. Battle

Lost

Portalkeeper87

A/N: Thanks for the input…honestly, without it, I couldn't post this section. Heck, I couldn't even write it. Again, thanks to everyone who gave me a suggestion *cough-ManyManlyYams-cough*. Thanks a lot for being the only person who actually responded…and you don't even watch the show!!

Of course, not that I'm feeling bitter here…

Chapter 5—Battle

Let me point something out. When one watches _Buffy _on TV, there is barely a moment that goes by without some sort of action or some supposedly innocent gesture that doesn't lead to or hint at some devious plan to end the world. But life in Sunnydale…

Well, it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I mean, I had been here for about 24 hours, and aside from falling asleep from boredom and occasionally seeing a few vampires, there really wasn't much going on. At least from my viewpoint.

The downside to living a TV show was you couldn't suddenly switch perspectives and watch some insidious plan on the other side of town. No, you had to sit through all the boring parts that were usually skipped on the show.

So I was really appreciating a little change in scenery. With much cajoling on the part of her Watcher, Buffy had reluctantly agreed to let me go along on patrol. Given that both Xander and Willow also came. 

The girl didn't exactly trust me, especially not after the way I 'inadvertently' dissed her boyfriend.

"Hey, don't…never mind. Why do you have to stake them right when they crawl out? Why can't you let them at least get used to their surroundings?" I whined.

Sitting on a tombstone with Willow clapping excitedly every time Buffy killed a hungry child was making me get a little whiny. First of all, why would anyone—any sensible vampire—want to hang out in a graveyard? I mean, not only is it chilly and boring, but there's no one to talk to. And smelling the rotting corpses had to be an appetite suppresser. I mean, it would be like hanging around a Dumpster outside of a fast-food restaurant. Smelling rotting leftovers sure wouldn't make _me_ hungry.

I was about to voice my ruminations when about two dozen vampires in fake looking ridges appeared out of nowhere, surrounding our little group.

"Uh-oh," Willow whimpered softly. "Buffy, I forgot to bring extra stakes tonight." What was she talking about? The girl had three in her jacket pocket. One for Xander, one for her, and one for the Slayer…but Buffy brought her own stake.

"Here ya go," she said cheerfully, giving me the last one. "You know, just in case."

"Huh?" Willow expected _me_ to _help_ them stake the sweet little vampires? But before I could start complaining like usual, the leader of the pack began to address Buffy.

"We meet again, Slayer," he said with a slight sneer. I would like to point out that sneers don't sound quite sneery when it's dealt in a British accent.

But I still shouldn't have let loose a giggle.

The guy spun around and glared at me. "Shut your trap, you bloody bint. I was talking to the Slayer."

"Huh? Sorry, can you repeat that? In a more understandable way." Try as I might, I just couldn't understand what the heck he was saying. Why couldn't demonic entities communicate in Americanized English? 

He turned back, completely exasperated. This guy needed to work on his patience.

"Hey, you're that guy hanging outside Buffy's window!" I blurted out before he could open his mouth.

"Alexis, that's Spike. The new evil guy in town, if you haven't noticed," Xander said with a sigh.

"The one that participates in tea parties?" I asked innocently. "The one that gets to baby-sit Miss Edith when Dru is otherwise occupied?"

Buffy raised an eyebrow. Xander began to laugh.

Spike began to wrap his really cold fingers around my neck. "One more word out of you…" he hissed in my face. I would probably have gotten frightened then. Only I realized that the whole 'vampires don't blush' thing wasn't exactly true. The guy's face was a tomato. A tomato with piercing blue eyes and toxic blond moss sprouting from the top. A tomato that was ready to burst in embarrassment and rage.

Maybe I should be feeling scared. But it just didn't work. My fear factor was on vacation.

"Get off!" Buffy yelled, all business-like again. She kicked him hard, sending her boyfriend-to-be crashing into a headstone.

Thus the battle began.

In the fray, the scoobies punched, kicked, and staked many of the attackers. But I seriously wasn't going to join in. No staking for the new girl.

But then I felt another cold arm around my waist. This one lifted me up while the matching hand covered my mouth. "Be quiet and you won't get hurt," this vampire hissed. I recognized this one! He was the minion that wore those dorky glasses, the one that the Judge later burned up when Angel turned all evil and cool. 

I had watched enough movies to know what was expected. By now I should be trying to get away, or at least biting the hand on my mouth.

So I bit him. I bit his wrist actually, which caused a spurt of thick, cool liquid to fill my mouth almost immediately. I almost gagged before realizing that this really wasn't so bad. It tasted like sherry, actually. Sherry and dark chocolate syrup, only not so chocolately.

While I sucked on the poor guy, he screamed and flailed, trying to shake me off. Feeling a little disoriented, I loosened the death grip on his bruised and bleeding wrist. Upon dislodging the human, my vampire took off through the woods as fast as he could. 

"What, never met a psycho?" I grumbled, licking away the last drops. Very good, much better than chocolate.

The others were still fighting, having not noticed my disappearance. I was in the back corner of the graveyard, by the tree line. So naturally I made my way back over. Before I could wave or call out a greeting, something hit my head hard and the world swirled into blackness.


	6. Hostage

Lost

Portalkeeper87

A/N: R & R, please!

Warning: Lots of blood!

Chapter 6—Hostage

I woke up slowly, a dull pounding in my head. Hmm, my bed usually wasn't this cold…and what had awoken me? I didn't hear my alarm clock.

Popping my eyes open, I stared at a black velvet canopy, stained and worn from age. This wasn't home.

"Sh…" a soft voice whispered about a millimeter away from my ear. I could feel the breeze.

I rolled up to sit on the king-size bed, coming face-to-face with an extremely pale woman with long brown hair and bulging eyes. Freaky to say the least.

"Morticia?" I said stupidly, still only half-awake. This was like being of the set of the _Addams Family_. Only she was too thin too be Morticia, her hair too brown, her eyes too big.

The woman giggled, a girlish sound. Then her face changed again, too quickly for a sane person. "No, sweet girl, my name is Drusilla."

Oh, right. _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_. Still trapped in Buffyverse.

"Um, nice to meet you, Drusilla. How-how's Miss Edith today?" So maybe I'm not exactly a good conversation starter.

"Miss Edith thanks you for asking. She's been asking after you, too. Why, just tonight she asked if we could have you over for tea." Now Dru was smiling that special stay-away-from-me-I'm-insane smile.

At least she didn't want to drain me dry.

"Dru, let's eat her already," the peroxide vamp said in a bored tone, striding in with his duster swirling behind like a cape.

"Eat? But you guys don't eat flesh. Drink blood maybe. So why do you call it 'eating?'" I asked, truly curious.

"Bloody hell! How am I supposed to know every soddin' thing? It's just that way!" he yelled, banging his fist into the stone wall.

"Sh…" Dru said, giving Spike a rather disappointed look. "Play nice, puppy, or Mummy will have to punish you." She turned back to face me and slowly stroked my hair, sending shivers down my spine.

"Miss Edith doesn't want to eat dear Alexis. The stars say she knows secrets." Now Dru was half-hugging me, gently brushing my hair like I was a doll.

"Secrets, eh? What types of secrets could _she_ know?" Spike rolled his eyes in contempt. 

"Well, I know that Dru's only with you because her sire got cursed with a soul. When Buffy gives him a happy, we'll see how well you can keep her."

I swear he was going to strike me. I mean, his eyes were glowing yellow. But as usual, Dru was there, still playing with my hair like I was her personal doll.

"Bad dog," she said to her childe, making him glare even harder at me. 

"That doesn't prove you know anything," Spike continued stubbornly. He looked kinda cute when acting all stubborn.

"Okay, Mr. Spike. But I also know that shortly before becoming cursed with a soul, Angel, then Angelus, took Dru to London for a little sojourn. Guess who she found in an alley bawling his eyes out because he just got rejected?" I loved watching him bristle, loved seeing the flush rise in his cheeks. Maybe I was just a tad sadistical…

"She found poor William that night and—"

"I think that's enough, dear," Dru said, still smiling. "Miss Edith says Spike will get very angry if you continue."

"Okay," I pouted. She was probably right…but I did love to have a target for torment…

What was the matter with me? I was a hostage, for crying out loud! Sitting here baiting the un-chipped Spike and finding reason in Drusilla's words.

My stomach rumbled loudly. 

"Are you hungry, little girl? My birdies are hungry too. But they won't sing for me, no matter the seeds I give. Miss Edith is hungry."

"Uh, is there anything…edible here? In the crypt or the Factory, wherever we are?" I asked.

"Bloody hell! We don't keep food around to feed our prisoners," Spike grumbled.

"Miss Edith invited her over. So she's a guest. And we must be nice to our guests, Spikey, or Mummy will get very angry." She looked at me with a grin to match the one on the dead mother in _Psycho._ "What would you like for dinner?"

"Well…I like chocolate. Chocolate milkshakes, ice cream, bars…just about anything chocolate."

Dru shook her head. "Miss Edith doesn't eat sweets. It's bad for her teeth." Then her eyes lit up, even brighter than before. "I know what you like," she grinned evilly.

Calling Spike over, she whispered something in his ear.

"Dru! How—"

One pouty look from his sire sent him back to his seat. He called over a minion to bring a glass.

A glass of what?

The vampire that approached the bed was very tall and muscular, like a bodyguard. Maybe that's what he was. After setting down the empty champagne flute, he turned to leave. But Dru's bony hand shot out and grabbed his arm. Raising her sharp red nails, she slashed them quickly down his wrist.

The poor vampire gasped in pain, staring helplessly as his precious elixir trickled and filled the flute to the brim. Drusilla shoved him away.

"Drink it, Alexis. Be a good girl and eat all your supper."

I took a sip. Oh yes, this taste I remembered clearly. The cold thick, frothy liquid sliding smoothly down my parched throat, the velvety dark chocolate taste, the dark crimson drops that dribbled down my chin…

What chocolate milkshake could compare? Not even the ones at Hershey's was this dark, this rich, this potent…

Finishing the delicious beverage at last, I smiled up at my hostess. She was a very sweet lady…

"Dru, don't you have to go play with your birds now?" Spike asked in a talking-to-lunatics voice. Drusilla yawned and slid off the bed and out of the room.

He waited until her footsteps were gone.

"Hmm…what should I do with you?" he said to himself, gazing at me like I was a double cheeseburger. "Dru won't let me eat you…wait, she said you knew 'secrets'…"

He was sitting next to me in the next instant. "Care to shed some light on the antics of the Slayer?"

This wasn't a rhetorical question, like the others I had answered, much to his annoyance. But I really couldn't speak then. On the show, the only boyfriend Buffy had that I actually thought was cute enough to date was Spike. He was the cutest, the funniest, the cutest, the coolest, and the cutest guy on the entire cast. And seeing him up close…well, he was even cuter.

__

Do not think Spike's cute. Do not think he's cute. He is not cute, not cute, not cute at all. 

"A-actually, I just joined their group a day ago. I have no clue what demon they're trying to slay right now or what apocalypse they're trying to avert. The only evil guy I've seen so far is Angel."

Spike rolled his blue eyes. "Angel's a total wanker, a poof. He's not evil."

"Duh. I was being sarcastic. But that loser sure is scary. I mean, the sight of his hair could probably open the Hellmouth."

Spike smiled slowly. "I take it you don't like Peaches?"

I shook my head, Drusilla's braids coming undone. "Who could ever fall for that ponce? I'm surprised that Buffy would eventually sleep with the guy. No wonder she also had sex with Parker and Riley. I mean, after Angel, anybody else has got to seem like a better choice. By the way, what's a 'ponce?'"

"A ponce is Angel: a nancy-boy, a poof. And I couldn't agree with you more…did you say the Slayer _slept_ with him?"

"Not yet," I replied, rejoicing in his shocked look. "When she does, you'll know. Angelus would be back."

"When that happens, the chit won't be Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She'll be Slutty—"

"—the Vampire Layer. But that's really mean. Especially since you'll be one of the vampires she sleeps with. We'll see how much you'll call her that when she has you wrapped around her little finger."

Spike looked disgusted. "I kill Slayers, not sleep with them."

"Right. Whatever. Say, what's up with Angel's hair? I mean, can you say too much gel?"

***

Hours later, Spike and I were still in the midst of Angel-bashing. 

"Say pet, you're not really so bad after all," Spike said, just getting over my 17th tale of Angel. I had just finished telling him about the episode "Amends" and he had burst into laughter every time I described Angel's anguish. "For one of the Slayer's bloody friends, you really aren't too bad."

I shrugged. "I never really fell into the idea of slaying demons. It's just…wrong. Back home, in my own universe or dimension or whatever, I…well, I sort of liked the whole idea of vampires."

He nodded. "Another dimension. Interesting. Are there vampires there, too?"

I shrugged again. "I don't know. Don't think so. But if there were, I'm sure they wouldn't just go poof with simple stake contact."

I was sure we were going to chat forever. I talked about my life back home, my interests and hobbies, everything. In turn, Spike the Big Bad without the anti-violence chip was telling me little tales of his adventures with Dru and sometimes Angel. How he murdered entire towns, pillaged villages, became the Scourge of Europe. About the good old days.

And I wasn't disgusted. That's what surprised him the most. I thought his tales of Angel drinking from priests and nuns hilarious. 

There were other tales of places around the globe. Apparently, ever since he was turned in 1880, Spike had traveled throughout the world. Eventually caught a concept of 'cool' and dyed his light brown hair.

But now Drusilla was back from feeding and wanted to sleep. Thus our conversation came to a halt.

I was ushered into a small chamber with a small bed and dropped face-first under the covers. It had to be close to dawn. We had spent the entire night in conversation and I hadn't been tired. But now alone and faced with a bed, exhaustion sank in.

I was in La La Land before my head hit the pillow.

TBC


	7. Scoobies to the Rescue

Lost

Portalkeeper87

A/N: Okay, I fixed the thing about Giles in Chapter One. Thanks for pointing that out! And the stars (*) signify a change in POV. By the way, Dru is the coolest! R & R, please!

Chapter 7—Scoobies to the Rescue

I was dreaming about flying around eating clouds that tasted like cotton candy. So soft and puffy…and then I realized that they weren't clouds. I had an overabundance of gelled brown hair in my mouth. 

Eww! The hair stuck straight up. And boy, was it disgusting. Then I heard laughter, only to see a doll when I looked up. It was a very old porcelain doll, body and clothing half-rotted away. Half the hair had been torn out and one of its eyes was missing.

And it was laughing, in its faded blue silk dress and worn leather slippers. It laughed and laughed and laughed, louder and louder and louder.

Finally I woke up, not due to the sounds of laughter, but instead to the sound of screams. Irony, anyone?

It was light out. I could tell because of the ray of sunshine in the hall, just outside my darkened chamber. Creeping out slowly, I could see that something had smashed a darkened window. And there were piles of ashes in the path of light. And there were no vampires on guard at all.

The shrieks and yells came from further down, with occasional sounds like furniture smashing and bodies dropping. What now?

As I made my way to where the disturbing sounds came from, something tore down the hall, almost running me down in the process. It was Spike! Clutched in his arms was a hysterical Drusilla, struggling and rambling on about Miss Edith. Didn't quite catch it in the excitement. Immediately following them were a few remnants of the once-populous group of minions.

Moments later Buffy and friends followed, armed with stakes and crossbows. Buffy was in the lead, everyone else struggling to catch up.

"Hey! Wait a sec! What are you guys doing?"

Buffy skidded to a stop. "Where were you?" she asked.

"Um, taking a nap? What happened here?"

"We were looking for you," the Watcher explained. 

"Trying to save your butt," Xander clarified.

"Actually…" I began, but then noticed an item strewn in the hallway. I picked up the doll, now with a newly scorched face. "What the hell did you guys do?"

Without waiting for an answer, I ran down the hall, in the direction Spike had gone.

Okay, where could they be headed? Especially in daylight?

The sewers. Okay, time to think, before the scoobies caught up. There was some sort of underground entrance to the sewers…somewhere in this building…

And then I saw it, on the bottom of some stairs to the left. A manhole cover, lying a few feet away from a dark hole.

"Alexis, wait!" They were just rounding the bend. No way I could make it down there in time. Praying that I hadn't forgotten how to judge distances and aim from all those archery lessons two summers ago, I aimed carefully and tossed. The doll hit a dusty broken chair nearby, bounced off, and finally fell into the dark hole. Hope I didn't break the head.

"Why did you take off like that?" Buffy's voice demanded.

I turned back to face the very annoyed group of Slayer and Slayerettes. 

"Um…a side affect of being abducted by vampires?" I suggested. Pathetic. "Post-trauma issues?"

"Explain later. For now, we're going back to the library."

Again, I was dragged unwilling to Scooby Central.

Hope Drusilla got her doll.

***

Drusilla cried silently in the corner, Spike pacing back and forth, about to be driven out of his mind. 

"Bloody Slayer…storming into my lair in soddin' daylight…the next time I get my hands on you…"

He was interrupted by a slightly battered minion, holding something in his hands.

"Th-this was f-found near the en-entrance," he stammered, handing the tattered doll to Spike. 

Spike looked down at the scorched mess and almost tossed it away. "Why'd you give this junk to me for?" he muttered in disgust. But Dru's sobs suddenly changed to a shriek of delight.

"Miss Edith!" She reached her arms out for the doll.

"Well, what d'you know?" he smirked, handing her the beloved prophetic doll.

Drusilla cuddled the doll gently in her arms and swayed, rocking Miss Edith. "There, there now. We'll see her again. And next time she won't throw Miss Edith so hard. Mummy promises."

TBC


	8. Can I Get Home Already?

Lost

Portalkeeper87

A/N: Writer's Block has manifested! Anyone have any ideas for what's to happen next? I've sorta written myself into a corner…Please, feedback! 

Chapter 8—Can I Get Home Already?

"What happened back there?" Buffy practically yelled as she shoved me into a seat. Her Watcher was there, looking harried and rather exasperated. Probably with all the yelling. Willow just sat and stared at the floor, big Willow eyes looking depressed. Buffy was pacing back and forth, sure to wear a trail in the carpet.

"What do you mean? I was taking a nap! And suddenly people are barging in murdering and committing arson!" I yelled back. I had been truly enjoying myself, for the first time since arriving in this god-forsaken little town, might I add.

"Well, maybe we shouldn't have gone to save your sorry butt! Next time, remind me to leave you as the main course for those demons' next dinner!" Her face was red at this point, a vein popping out of her forehead. 

"Dinner?" Sorry, but I couldn't help laughing at her aggravated state. She thought they were going to _eat_ me?! "Buffy, they weren't planning to suck my blood, if that's what you thought."

The Slayer stopped mid-pace. "So what were you doing there, in a nest of bloodsuckers? Visiting? Having a nice conversation? Sharing in some nice, warm blood?"

"Well, actually, the blood was rather cold…" I trailed off, seeing Willow's already big eyes widen further in shock. Oh. That was sarcasm.

"You even had BLOOD? What type of sick freak are you?" Was this also a rhetorical question? Buffy began to pace again, faster than before. Finally she stopped again.

"Get. Out. You've been nothing but trouble, ever since arriving in this world. So just save everyone the time and effort and GET OUT!"

Fine. If she didn't want me around, I could leave. I had other places to be. I slid of the chair and stalked out.

"Buffy—" Giles began, trying to reign in his slayer. To no avail, might I add. That girl was a fuse, set to blow. Wonder how she made it through so many seasons, without blowing up on herself.

A few moments later, just when I was out of earshot of the scoobies in the library, I got slammed by a dark figure in a blanket. 

"Watch it," I snapped, not in a good mood. The figure lowered the blanket. Oh great, the great big poofster himself.

"Allison? Buffy's friend?" he asked.

"The name's Alexis, Gel-Boy. And I'm _not_ Buffy's friend." Done with that, I brushed past.

"Wait!" He had the nerve to grab my arm. I don't know why I did what I did next. Or how it was even possible. Maybe it was a side effect of the dimension hopping. I don't know.

I wrenched my arm from his grasp, somehow tearing his trench coat off. "Get off," I yelled, pushing him as hard as I could. Which really shouldn't have been that hard at all. I mean, I was a 5'4" freshman. A kid.

Angel slammed down the remarkably empty corridor, _through _a set of doors, _through_ the exterior wall, and out into the sunshine. Screaming like a baby the whole time, might I add. Fortunately for him, his blanket went with him. So he didn't burn.

Too bad.

I picked up the jacket and smiled. With a shrug at my newfound strength, I set off to find my new friends.

TBC

A/N: Well, what do you want to happen next?? Drop a review!


	9. Revenge on the Poof

Lost

Portalkeeper87

Chapter 9—Revenge on the Poof

Hmm. Where was I going, while the sun was still in the sky? Why, the sewers, of course.

Actually, it wasn't exactly my idea. I was just wandering down the street—and fell into an uncovered manhole.

Ouchies.

Anyway, here I was, still wandering around in the gloom, trying to stay away from anything wet or even slightly moist. And it didn't smell all that great.

Then I sensed it. Something—no, _someone_—was nearby. A presence, barely an outline in the dark, was there. Something I could feel.

"Hi, if you're an ax murderer, I'll be leaving now," I said cheerily, backing up a few paces. The thing stirred. And a pair of yellow eyes _glowed_. They blinked, and I could swear I saw a flash of fangs. Fangs that were getting closer.

"Okay, so um, have a nice day?" Now this was scary. Trapped in a dark, dank, smelly place, being stalked by some nightmarish creature. Oh yeah, I've had dreams like this. Only the yellow-eyed being turned out to be this nice, un-evil person from class…only, well, evil.

Ramblings complete, I backed away quickly. But the thing was even faster. Soon very cold and very sharp teeth were attached to my arm.

"Ahhhh! Get off, get off, GET OFF!" I thrashed insanely. And the very large thing formerly attached to me fell off and whimpered.

That hurt!

Now somewhat more calm, I saw the bite marks. And a trickle of blood. An almost sinister feeling overcame me. I believed in the whole 'an eye for an eye' philosophy. Oh yeah.

"It's okay," I whispered, trying to sound non-threatening. Apparently it worked, for whatever was stupid enough to bite me relaxed enough to creep closer. I could tell where it was by the gleam of its eyes. So I watched as it got closer. And closer. And closer…

"Ah-hah!" I yelled, pinning the thing down. An arm reached out to try and dislodge me. I grabbed it and bit down. Hard enough to draw blood.

"Eww!" I spit it out, though not before the now-familiar chocolatey taste filled my mouth. "Hey. You're…"

The vampire still in my grasp whimpered, trying to get loose.

Footsteps approached through the much followed by a recognizable British accent.

"What now, Dalton? Where's the meal? Oh—" The voice stopped. Another glint of yellow eyes in the gloom. "It's _you_. Alex or whatever. What are you doing here? How did you find us?"

"The name is Alexis, Mr. Chip-head…Unchip-head, actually. And-and wondering around smelly sewers happens to be a…a hobby. Yes, a hobby." 

Spike laughed, his voice echoing in the narrow confines. "Sure, kid. What are you doing with Dalton?"

"Oh. Uh, here ya go." I tossed the vampire in the direction of the second set of yellow eyes.

THUD. The sound of one body compacting another.

"Ah! Hey, watch where you're tossing my minions!"

"Oops. Sorry," I said sheepishly. "Um, oh, I found him wandering around. Maybe he's lost. You really should take better care of your lackeys. Before they all get lost or something."

"Whatever, pet." A small flame flickered on, illuminating the interior. Eww, I didn't need to see the brownish muck puddled on the ground. "C'mon, Dru's expecting you. And I was expecting dinner," he added, glancing pointedly at the nerdy-looking vamp still sitting with a dazed expression on his face. The lackey scrambled up in pursuit of food.

Spike walked down the tunnel, me following closely behind.

"What's that?" he asked after a while, pointing at the folded up leather I still carried under my arm. "Smells funny. Like hair gel."

I made a face in the dark. Disgusting. "Just a present for Dru. Thought she'd want to stick pins in it or something. Relieves stress, ya know," I added, seeing the expression on his face.

"Whatever." He stopped at a grate and kicked it open. "In here."

She was sitting in the corner, muttering something intelligible. To the half-burnt doll, the one that was now slightly crushed.

"Miss Edith wants cookies. And tea. A nice pot of hot tea." Her big, haunting eyes stared empty into the gloom. "She wants crumpets and strawberry tarts. For the Queen! The Queen of Hearts. And her wee little king. Miss Edith says Spikey will get the tea and crumpets. And the fish and chips. Won't you, my Spike?"

"Uh…of course…whatever you say." Spike glanced helplessly at the minions gathered around. "Go get some…some crumpets. Yeah, crumpets. Try and find crumpets for the doll."

"Hey," I greeted, twirling the torn, gel-smelling leather jacket. "Here's a present."

Dru squealed with delight and leaped up, clawing viciously at the worn leather. "Smells like my Angelus. The right brand, Johnson & Johnson hair gel. Smells just like him." A dreamy look passed into her eyes. In the next instant, the leather jacket was torn into shreds and thrown about the narrow chamber.

"My sweet Angel is torn apart. And his hair gel is forever lost. Miss Edith ate it with her crumpets and tea."

"Whatever, luv," Spike grated between clenched teeth. A vein popped out of his forehead. "Tear the nancy-boy into shreds. Just-just do it more quietly."

"You have a surprise for me?" she asked no one in particular, forgetting Spike completely. "A surprise? Something for Angel-face? Miss Edith says it's awfully wicked. Like the time Spikey tore off my dress in the middle of the subway and—"

"That's enough for now, ducks. You can tell the tale later," Spike said quickly, covering her mouth before she could continue with rather graphic descriptions of their personal life.

"Yeah, I got a surprise. Fun surprise. Tonight, outside Angel's little apartment." I grinned my most wicked grin. "Miss Edith will definitely like it."

TBC


	10. Key to Getting Home

Lost

Portalkeeper87

A/N: So sorry this is taking so long! School is evil! Homework, papers, practice, clubs, SAT's, etc…all EVIL!! Sorry about the rant. Might not update for a while, at least until November. Thanks for the reviews and threatening e-mails!!

Chapter 10—Key to Getting Home

"It's a great big tower," Drusilla remarked, staring vacantly at the apartment building. Angel's apartment. Since when did he get an apartment? No clue. But Spike had found the address. Amid the shredded remains of Angel's coat. He found not only the address, but also a wallet with an obviously fake ID. 

"Now what?" Spike demanded. Not happy. Guess he didn't like surprises. He impatiently tapped a shovel against the asphalt.

"We wait for Daddy to fly down the window, sail up to the moon…"

"Wasn't talkin' to you, ducks."

"Listen." I could hear something coming, something going down the stairs, heavy steps echoing on the cement steps. Something big, heavy, and presumably with hair-gel poisoning. "He's coming."

Angel emerged from the entrance then, looking extremely miffed. He was wearing a blue flannel shirt that clashed terribly with a usual ensemble of black. What kind of guy wore only one set of clothes every day? And owned ugly worn pajama tops when his only jacket was…misplaced? Especially pajama tops that smelled like hair gel.

"Daddy's not happy," Dru cooed, stroking Miss Edith's burnt face. She glided away from Spike, straight into Angel's path. "Not happy at all."

Angel growled low in his throat. "Alexis, what are you doing hanging out with scum like these?"

I grinned. "We've brought you a present, stupid hair-gel freak."

And then Drusilla squealed with delight. Threw her doll into the night, pulling out shredded bits of leather and tossing them into the air. They fell toward the Earth like black snowflakes, raining onto all of us. Filling the atmosphere with a heavy stench of hair gel.

"My jacket!" Angle cried, clutching pieces of leather in his outstretched hands. "Noooo!" 

Spike grinned mischievously. WHAM! The shovel knocked Angel out cold. Spike tied him up and dragged his body back toward the Factory. 

"Soddin' Poofter," he muttered. "Got a bloody dent in my favorite shovel."

And sure enough, there was an Angel-head-shaped dent. Maybe it was just my imagination, but I could swear I saw the outline of his gelled hair on the dented shovel. Must be very strong hair gel.


	11. Angel on the Treetop

Lost

Portalkeeper87

11-Angel on the Treetop

"So what should we do with him?" I asked excitedly. "What should we do?"

"A routine torture and dust?" Spike suggested, lighting another cigarette.

"Can you _not_ smoke? I mean, what type of person starts doing drugs _after_ he's dead? Like it's not pathetic enough either way." 

He rolled his eyes. Blue eyes. And Dru had brown ones. Why was that, when all the other vampires constantly displayed ridges and fangs?

"Why aren't you all…bumpy? Both of you. Why do you look human and not like reject Klingons with shaved off eyebrows? I mean, that's what all the other vampires on this wacked-out show look like."

Spike sighed, dropping his half-finished cigarette on the ground and stomping it. Not like he had to. The muck in the sewers put the flame out already.

"Only the ones with a role to play gets to show their faces," Dru said dreamily, trailing a pale finger along Angel's face. "Minor actors are simply not important enough to be show true recognition."

"Yeah, uh-huh. That's right, ducks. Whatever you say." Spike brushed it off like it had been another one of Drusilla's nutty rants. But that wasn't exactly true, was it? What she said made perfect sense…in my world. If _BtVS_ was a show.

"Dru? What did you say again?" I asked suspiciously.

By this time she had let go of Angel. Looking quite confused, I might mention. 

"Why…oh, oh, oh!" she exclaimed excitedly. "I know, I know! It was my Angel, he's the one that put the pretty pictures in my head!" She grabbed him again, this time in a tight embrace. Unfortunately, the stupid poof chose this moment to wake up. Feeling him stir in her arms, Dru shoved him away and stood up, wiping her hands on his smelly shirt.

"Oof…whaa?" he mumbled, hands shooting up to feel his hair. Relieved that it was still sticking straight up, Angel regarded the scenario with suspicion.

"He's the one, the key—" Dru began to exclaim.

"Uh, sorry to interrupt," I said uncertainly. "But I thought the Key was Dawn?" Spike me a patented confused look. "You know, your Nibblet? Buffy's klepto little sis? Oh right, she's still somewhere on the other side of the world right now. Never mind. Do continue."

"… To you going home, little Alexis," Dru continued, like she'd never been interrupted. "Only thing is, where is the lock?"

I grinned, an evil idea blossoming in my twisted little mind.

"What are you doing to me? What do you want?" Angel demanded, getting up and in Spike's face.

"Bugger off," the blond vampire snapped. He tried to push an irate Angel away, but the doofus was simply too chunky and dense.

"Here, let me help," I said sweetly. I grabbed Angel by his hair and slammed him against the slimy, smelly wall, making sure to mash his hair in the gunk.

Feeling his head, the big baby began to cry. Hehehe…

"You know, I've seen a couple of episodes of Season 5. See, there's this girl…" I trailed off, uncertain what I should admit. That Spike was so into the Slayer that he ordered a sex-bot and got pummeled by a Hell-god? Not a good thing to say, with his present girlfriend…well, present. "Anyway, since I'm from another dimension and Angel can get me home, he'd be opening dimensional doors, right? Which would only happen if he was bled dry. But that would merge all dimensions together, and none of us wants that, exactly. So I think I have an idea…"

Dru broke into a laugh, this time definitely of the insane variety. "Oh, I see what you are up to, little imp." She waggled a finger at me. "Evil, mischievous little girl."

TBC

A/N: **SO** sorry for the long time between updates. Really busy at school and all, not to mention catching up on years of _Buffy_ seasons. I've seen all of 1-5 and what's out for S7 so far. Still waiting for S6 to re-run. The next chapter will most likely be the last. Sorry again, but I can't continue this forever. And I have no idea when the next chapter will be up. Whenever I've got ideas, I guess.


	12. Home Sweet Home

Lost

Portalkeeper87

12-Home Sweet Home

Angel struggled and cursed as Spike tied him to a pole. A big, thick log, actually. Almost as thick as Angel's skull itself.

"What are you doing to me?" he demanded, still trying to break free.

I shrugged. "A little fun for Dru, maybe a couple of tea parties for the dolls, a few whacks and kicks for Spike, and a little ritual bloodletting to finish it off. Fun as it's been, I really want to get home. Plus, when you turn into a dry husk, Dru's going to get stronger. Two birdies, one bullet…uh, stone."

If it was possible, Angel looked even more frightened than before. Dru smiled insanely, inhaling his terror. She walked next to me and took Miss Edith. The poor doll was all covered with dirt and leaves still, from when Dru had tossed her away.

"Buffy will come," he said uncertainly. "She'll make sure all of you pay."

Spike laughed. "Like to see her try, mate. It's been a while since my last Slayer…I could use a taste."

"Hey, that's not very nice," I chided. "You can't kill Buffy. Even though she is rather…annoying." There was a slightly stronger term I wanted to use. "Two Slayers are plenty. You'll just get in more trouble trying to nail a third."

Spike snorted, lighting another cigarette and _accidentally_ letting the red-hot ashes land on Angel's exposed chest. He whimpered like a little girl.

"And why the hell not?"

"Because…because…because if you kill her there's really no story line," I said, trying to stick to facts as much as possible. "I-I mean, that would ruin everything. As much as you guys are a cute couple together," I gestured to Spike and Dru, "a century _is_ a lot. Maybe…well, I don't want to get my head ripped off, but maybe you guys should…loosen up a little. See other people."

"What-" Spike began, his face turning a bit livid. Oops. I forgot this was before evil Angelus, before he had seen his main squeeze with her sire.

Unfortunately, at that moment Buffy happened to burst out of the woods nearby. Armed with a nasty-looking crossbow and a murderous expression.

"Let him go," she said, her voice like a blade of ice.

"Or what?" Spike taunted. "You gonna shoot bloody arrows at me?"

"No," Buffy said calmly. She turned and let the arrow fly. Right at Dru.

I grabbed the bolt.

"That was bad aim," I said sweetly. "But I'm not the one to talk. In fact, I have pretty bad aim, too." With that, I threw the wooden shaft at Angel. Missed his heart by a few inches to the right. Man, I loved the increased strength and agility, not to mention precision.

Angel shrieked like a little brat. 

"Angel!" Buffy yelled, running over to the pole.

"Not so fast, Slayer," Spike drawled, knocking away the empty crossbow. "We're not finished yet." He shoved her away from Angel.

"Ooh, ooh! Let's have the tea party first!" Dru said excitedly, clapping her hands. "We'll have strawberry tea and milk-filled crumpets! Can I pass out the party favors, pretty please?"

Not really waiting for an answer, Dru skipped over to her sire and smelled the blood trickling from his wound. She licked the bloody shaft of the arrow, a slow smile creeping over her face.

"Mmm. Strawberry tea." She closed her eyes, licking her lips. "Yummy. Now where are the crumpets and cookies?" Her eyes opened and she stared with wide-eyed innocence at Angel. "Hmm?"

He grimaced in pain and stared at her. "Dru…"

"Oh, oh, oh! I know, I know! The cookies are in the _pantry_!" Ooh! Dru was even more insane and evil than I dared imagine. Her hand was in…well, in a private spot. And Angel's face was scrunched in nauseating pain.

"Let me get them out of the jar," she sang happily.

"Um, can you not? Pretty please?" I asked, my face turning a bit green. "We need all of his…parts still firmly attached to make this work."

She pouted like a little child.

"Get off him!" Buffy yelled, running back to her honey, encasing his hunky and yucky flesh in a tight hug. "No one is gonna hurt my Angel."

Before I could make a so-called 'clever' retort, I felt it. Something like a shock, a shiver.

This was the moment, I knew. The moment when the dimensional portals could unlock, when I could get out of this nutty place. This living hell-pit of annoyance. Well, annoying except for the utter hotness of a certain undead vampire that was currently trading blows with the Slayer.

I frowned. Why was I thinking of stuff like this? Stupid crushes on fictional characters. Huh. Just another aspect of normal teenage behavior, I guess.

While Spike was battling Buffy and Dru was playing with Miss Edith, Angel was all alone.

That wasn't right. The poor dude needed company. I grinned and sidled up next to him. He responded by shrinking away and trying to keep his body out of my reach. Hard to do when tied up.

"Do you have a knife I can borrow?" I asked quietly, not wanting to interrupt the activities going on at the moment.

His eyes widened in terror, and he was not giving me a knife, no way.

"Then I guess I'll have to do it the hard way," I said, shrugging. "Tried to warn ya." 

With that I bit him as hard as I could on the neck, which still only barely penetrated Angel's thick, hair-gel smelling skin. At least the smelly gel hadn't gotten into his blood. The rich chocolate taste was even better than the two—okay, three—vampires I had sampled so far.

Mmm. But I had a purpose. I couldn't just suck all of Angel's blood.

I bit him again, tearing open the wound further.

Needless to say, Angel was shrieking like a baby this whole time, except that the words coming out once in a while were not quite a part of a baby's vocabulary.

Where his blood dripped, a shimmer appeared. The beginnings of the portal.

"Dru," I said quietly, still not wanting to interrupt the fight. "Dru, come over here."

She scampered over, as excited as a puppy. Standing a few feet away from Angel's bound and bleeding body, she basked in the eerie light coming from the portal. 

"The lamb is caught in the blackberry patch," she sang, clenching empty hands. Then she stopped singing and gave me a wide-eyed, innocent stare. "It's the soul. That's why we all left him," she said. "That's why everyone leaves. It's the soul." Then she blinked and turned back to her little song.

Okay…

Finally, I was ready.

"Hey guys, get your hands off each other for a sec, okay?"

Buffy hastily pushed the vampire away, hiding a blush.

"Oh, don't worry, this'll take just a sec. I just wanted to say goodbye…and in your case, Buffy, good riddance."

With that I jumped feet-first into the swirling light. The last thing I saw was Drusilla's insane smile and a burnt porcelain head.

***

Epilogue

My eyes blinked open. I yawned. 

I stared into the 'exploring space' screensaver. Touching the mouse, I saw the bunny-patterned desktop.

My computer. My room. I was home!

I was just about to shout for joy when I realized what that little adventure had obviously been. A dream.

A stupid, lousy product of an overactive imagination. 

Then I saw what was still clutched in my left hand.

An old burnt doll. Ruined dress, burnt-away curls. A barely recognizable face.

Miss Edith.

"Ahh!" I dropped the doll and raced downstairs, trying to forget what had just happened.

No such luck.

Finally, I switched on the TV upon remembering something. Today was Tuesday, wasn't it? 8:58 PM. _Buffy_ was on at 8. That's what TV Guide had said what seemed an eternity ago. A new episode on UPN. The first one I'd see of this new season.

I caught the last bit before it was over.

The scene was in a dark cave. And there, tied to a pillar with strange symbols on his marvelous abs, was Spike. 

And crouching behind him, moving fluidly like a cat, was Drusilla.

Only it wasn't. I don't know how I knew it; I just did. 

"Bad, bad dog," she sneered at him, shaking her finger. Spike turned away from her reach. "It's the spark inside you, that's what went wrong." 

She suddenly turned into a giant life-sized version of the doll on my bedroom floor. "That's why everyone left, you know."

The doll turned back into Drusilla. "But they aren't all gone." She stared right at the screen. "When sleepy-time comes, the sweet girl will be back."

The screen faded to black. My heart pounded. I wasn't getting to sleep anytime soon. Not if I was going back to that place. I grabbed the phone and dialed up a friend I knew was an ardent _Buffy_ fan.

"Hey, Missa? Could you come over? Right now? With all the taped episodes you have of _Buffy_? Thanks."

I ran upstairs and opened Internet Explorer.

Typed in, "www.buffyworld.com."

And began to read all the transcripts of the episodes. It was going to be a long night.

But I certainly wouldn't be going back…unprepared.

END

A/N: What do you think? Possible sequel? *evil grin* Alexis in Season 7…wonder what'll happen. R/R! Suggestions, comments, even flames are welcome. Thanks to everyone that reviewed as well as those who read the story and didn't bother to. Please drop off future ideas in the review box located on the bottom left hand corner of the screen or send an e-mail to 'portalkeeper87@hotmail.com'. 

Thanks!!


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